A second chance

It's not often, or perhaps not more than once in a lifetime, that one gets a second chance. A chance to undo the regrets, the points of failure that haunt as as we play them over and over in our minds, asking the cancerous question: what if?

'What if'... two words that have proved to me to be the hinge upon which life stands. For years I struggled with them. They have followed me wherever I have gone, like a shadow. I've tried not to look back because I see the impossible question: 'what if'? But sometimes, when one is tired of resolutely walking on, one stands still and the shadow, which when in movement is easier to ignore, comes and stands beside you.... the two words come and stand beside you, louder in stillness. As much as you might throw your hands up in the air and say 'I don't know the answer and I can never know it', the shadow is never satisfied and it lingers on.

And then something happens. Something magical. You get a second chance. An opportunity to lay that shadow to rest and leave it behind forever. The answer to the impossible question is suddenly within reach. The answer itself, one way or another, is irrelevant. The question is not seeking a favourable outcome. It never did. The question is seeking merely an answer that dissolves the uncertainty, that puts an end to the haunting not knowing.

A prayer has been answered, even if the answer is 'no'. While that might be crushing too, it can be mourned. I can open my hand finally, after having kept it defiantly and tightly fisted for years. I can open my hand and let them go.

All that remains now is for the answer to unfold. There is little I can do impact the outcome, other than to be myself, minus the one little fuck up that led to all this to begin with.